Saturday, January 29, 2005

Well, cant get to sleep even though it was a tiring day. Perhaps too many thoughts flew through my mind. Hahas. Weird me. Always thinking of catching up on sleep but yet being the one who refuses to go slp. *Abish* If tml I am late for the meeting at 8, I only got myself to blame. Hehes.

Well, wat was I thinking? Must recap. Hahas. Funny, after living for nearly 18 yrs and it's only recently that I realise I've been wasting my life. Lols. My laziness has ruined me. How pathetic yet true that is. Hms. Been misusing the talent bestowed to me. Realise I didnt have alot of knowledge about the stuffs outside the real world. Becoming more and more like a... well, turtle? Only wanna hide in that supposingly safe shell... Oops. I meant, shether of mine. But I believe all is not a rosy picture. Perhaps one day I would fully realise the effects of being me. Sad. I can almost foresee it. By then, tears as massive as the tsunami also cannot reverse facts.

But, still, changes are made painstakingly slow. I wished that I could be blessed with a catalyst... To accelerate my change of course. I been walking in circles, yet to have began my journey in life. Yes, his words haunts me. Though I wish not to believe in them. What's so great if you only have results? Even though we live in a competitive world, results is not wat ppl purely seek for. Hahas. Realising the realistic reality? Lols. My favourite phrasing of words.

I wonder. Actually I dont have to wonder. I understand. Hehes. The countless weaknesses within me. Pathetic isnt it? To discover the fanstastic "wonders" of myself. Wahahas. For a moment (like many other moments), I feel so... hms. redundant? Perhaps that's not the best word to use, for I know I can make a difference. Simply take a knife go out kill some1 =X A difference made. Hahas. Extreme cases of mental breakdown. I apolgise for that. Hehes. But it's true ~

Ah. Where has the usual me? The one beaming with confidence ~ the Optimistic me? Weird. Ever since I entered Jc I hardly feel proud to be me. Perhaps of the stress in Jc? Perhaps of the hopes that ppl places on me? Which I hardly fulfil. Hahas. Or rather, I figured out the awful truth about, being Ymh? Hahas.

Hms. Endless questions I could ask about myself. But will I ever understand the reason behind them? Will I ever find out how to counteract with my failure? Hahas.

It's 0156 already. I suppose I should get some sleep. Hehes.

---- Feeling hopeless, doubtful and misguided about my life. ----

awaitin` destiny silently__] *at* 1:35 AM